after seeing an old friend after the passage of much time

i have learned some secrets
in my time
(still haven't learned to keep them but
i always tell them out of love)

i have learned some secrets in my time
and i could tell you
but what would they mean?
you must learn your own secrets and
tell your own tales,
as i have
mine.

1. you must give love to get love.
2. you must trust to feel trust.

i am a problem solver; i must be not so hard on
myself for always discussing problems.

why do things fall apart? the
answer hardly helps, doesn't mean
anything
although the answer
at times it is essential.

poster down the train says, big:

JESUS PAID THE PRICE FOR OUR SINS

but i think that's slightly wrong

he paid the price for our sins to be
more like us, we
pay the price for our sins without the threat of hell,
right here on earth.
for what is sin but something we do
when we feel hurt, alone, misunderstood, angry, alone, pained,

something we do instead of be honest
something we do instead of love

(and what does sin do to fix any of that?)

we pay for our sins when we realize what
it is to love, to forgive, to trust.

i am paying now when i regret the
times we didn't talk, didn't share, i don't exactly remember why
fear? pain? hurt? anger? fear?
right, you moved and didn't tell me. i drew a line.

(an emotional artist, i'm always drawing lines. but i use pencil. they move, these lines, like people move, like people move and don't tell you.)

i wanted you to think i was special (you always did)
and i wanted you to do the work to prove it
and now neither one of us works, we just drink vodka in columbus park
and laugh in the darkness at the rats
eating chocolate shaped like rocks
telling stories
trying not to cry

"i can't tell you how many times i imagine getting really, really trashed and just showing up on his doorstep." (in the rain, of course in the rain.) "and we fuck, or... or, we do something, i don't know."

this is the problem with people like us:
we give because we have so much
we can't imagine anything else
love is boundless, ebb and flow
only mean change, not scarcity

this is the problem with people like them:
people who don't give don't give because they don't have anything
tight-fisted with emotions
they cling, trying to live without
the comforts of lived dreams

3. dreams generate dreams, dreams generate self, but
4. our actions define the real.

this is the problem with people like us:
we do it because we know naught else
we do it because we cannot stop
dreaming and dreaming until we ACT!
pain is pain and fear is fear
but there is always something more.
pain and fear are always there, but they are nothing but
shadows cast by desires realized, desires uttered,
parading in the sun.

they are the change left over from
precious things bought at a hard price.

we eat our buns,
we kiss goodbye on the platform
no grandiose speeches, nothing more than
the knowledge that we will continue to live our parallel lives
3,000 miles apart. this is enough. i
used to need evidence, but i have learned so much.
i understand now how this is enough.

5. love is a spontaneous reaction. it cannot be forced; it cannot be faked; it cannot be rationalized. it can only be felt.








how many words will i have to write
to write you away?
how many pages until you disappear
completely?
but why bother
why bother
why bother
why speak when there is no one there to listen?

we don't speak when there is no one there to listen.

the more i write myself
the more i write you

why speak?
we don't speak.
why speak?

listen -