i find myself driven to express myself, even if it is only in the form of a scream, or through verbal diarrhea on this dusty blog outpost. why is this? plenty of people i know create magic out of their worst moments; i myself as a teen worked this shit to the sky. yet now, even though i feel the same drive to create, i feel much less of the creative aspect of such an act. sadly, desperation is more of what i feel as i type, speak, act in this state. ugh. motherfucker. there is no swear word yet to describe the state a depressed person is in. oh wait, yes there is - depressed. got it. like something crushed, something that used to be full and is now empty. something lower than normal, less than zero. right. all been said before.
oh my god, wait! i have a leftover chocolate chip cookie from lunch. the nice guys at lenny's bagels gave me an extra one for free. ahhh, something to live for! and karma.... maybe it's out there, somewhere, working for me. i'd like to think so. this is why i will never call myself an atheist - because i do think there is much more to life beyond humanity. that there are things external to, outside of, humanity. (cue single tears, world's smallest violins, etc, etc, etc.)
oh joy! three 71 lb boxes were just delivered to work. guess i have something to do now... and it's nice and mindless. usually i revel in this sort of thing but today i'd rather not be left alone with my thoughts. at least yesterday when i was carrying heavy things around i was wearing a wifebeater (part of my birthday week fun times celebration, more on that to come) and each time i walked past one of the many mirrors at work (funny, there are a lot of them) i could be like, "oooh! look at you, you sexy, sexy beast! grrrr!" today i am not wearing a wifebeater although i look nice; consequently when i look in the mirrors today i will be all like "look at how cute you look! why the fuck won't (x.) text you back then?!" (this is not a happy thought, this is wellspring of the current depression.) i swear to fucking god, there is some kind of cellphone gnome that has programmed a signature into my text messages - but only certain text messages. (bear with me here.) it totally makes sense! it could be based off of sweat levels on the key pad. anytime the level went above a certain number (as my hands tend to sweat when i am particularly nervous and insecure and daring) a little signature would be added to the outgoing text. it would read something like this:
"it was extremely difficult for suzanne to send this text to you and she spent a long time worrying over it and being excited about it and working up the courage to send it, so all in all it's probably best if you don't respond to her. once again, DON'T REPLY TO THIS TEXT. I'M NOT KIDDING HERE. CHILDREN WILL DIE."
i'm telling you, that's the only rational explanation. i'm going to go kill that fucking gnome now.
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