and now, the thrilling conclusion! or - i'm going to blog about something positive for once!

i realized that i have a tendency to blog about things that are going on and then never discuss their resolution. why discuss resolution, really? usually once it has been reached, for me, it is enough. (discussion is only for confusion. with knowledge and surety comes silence. interesting.)

but then i was re-reading my old posts and was like, um, maybe i should just let everyone know i'm okay and doing fine again. i mean, i pretty much admitted to flirting with alcoholism (however briefly) and being dangerously depressed. so - no worries! i'm back and better than ever. i did some serious thinking and some serious drinking and spent time outside with good friends - all positives! i revisited the magic that is the to-go margarita from the turkey's nest, referred to myself in mixed company as a post-post-modernist, and then wore my sunglasses home in the dark (it seemed like the right thing to do at the time... sorry, but that's all i've got as for a rationale. it really just seemed right. strange.)

(side note - i am also realizing that, more and more, i am that girl on the subway. you know, the girl not only bopping her head to her ipod, but usually tapping her foot along as well. and... god.... i am embarrassed to admit it.... usually singing along, silently, con spirito. sunday night this was certainly the case:

"i am aware.....that i don't fit riiiiiiiight.... i get lost.... doo doo doo..... and you feel the same... never older, always the same.... like the man who.... diiiiiiiiiiiies everyday...doooo."

a long time ago i came up with this theory that why new york natives seemed to be so profoundly uninterested in such things as moving from the middle of sidewalks or modulating their voices while discussing intimate personal details is because in a space such as this, where no one has any private personal space, once simply creates it by distancing oneself from it, ignoring it. i think this is what i do when i listen to my ipod. it's really not about looking cool (HA!) or anything like that - it's quite the opposite. i think it's how i make myself feel comfortable, at home, in this delightful nightmare.)

i went to alphabeta, a silly new graffiti shop in greenpoint and treated myself to some excellent new krink... and found a delightfully tiny shack by my local park that specializes in hot dogs and hot sausages with homemade chili and sharp cheddar cheese. (transcendent!) i came up with a lot of crazy goals for myself and am challenging myself to work on accomplishing one each day, even though they are the best and worst kind of goals - serious goals - terrifying goals - goals that make your stomach clench with determination and fear, because you just want it to go well so badly, and you're so terrified that it might go badly and you're equally terrified that it might go well.

oh! and last, but certainly not least, i bought some orange shutter shades.


[street vendor guy: those look really good on you!
me: (laugh)
street vendor guy: no, really, i'm not kidding!
me: (laughs again) well, actually, i think they look pretty stupid... but i'm going to get them anyway!]

feel free to ridicule me as i pass. (no, not really. i guess all i'm saying is that i realize full well that they are fucking ridiculous and terribly ugly. but then, we all know that i go in for that sort of thing.)