i am above all, down with modular people, and it feels so unnatural to sing your own name, or: FYFI

(these are the junior boys. fyi.)

well, can you fucking believe it? it's motherfucking new year's eve.

ahem.

so yeah, forgive the pause in posting... i have a lot of posts built up that i meant to get out here for you guys... but i am so damn thoughtful.... that's the nice way to put it.... that i get caught up in thinking about them, making them perfect. i've been meaning FOREVER now to post my top songs of 2008 since, for the first time in recent memory, i've been obsessively and actively engaged in the current electronic music culture of this great planet of ours. (i say planet because i don't listen to that much music from the US, so i can't say country. WOW I SOUND LIKE SUCH A MUSIC SNOB. and i am! but the nicest one you'll ever meet, i swear. i would never, ever, ever, EVER say that your favorite band sucked; i might say something like, "well, that particular ep kind of left me wanting, where as disc two of the collectors editon of apocalypso really delivered what it promised," or some nonsense like that.

(side bar: i can say, with perfect, unwavering authority, that disc two of the collectors edition of apocalypso [liquid moonjuice, um yeah, exactly!] is HANDS-DOWN the best remix album of the year, AND POSSIBLY OF THE DECADE, OR CENTURY. just, you know, fyi. oooh, side side bar: you wanna hear a funny story?!? for like, ten seconds, i was all like, i "steal" all this music, i should really be more militant about putting up my own torrents of things i adore, share the love, etc, etc [sharing is caring]. so i made a torrent of good ol' disc two and put it up on the pirate bay but i fucked up the torrent somehow, or something, so i never seeded it, and shrugged my sholders, and resumed normal life. a couple months later, this dude from canada tracks me down and is all like, I NEED THIS!!! tracked me the fuck down, got my email from my old blog! so i sent him alllll of the presets stuff he didn't have, and get this: i MADE HIM TAKE A LOYALTY OATH TO THE PRESETS AND FOLLOWING ONE'S PASSION BEFORE HE CLICKED THE DOWNLOAD LINK. man.... i am a piece of work. whatevs. )



so, if you couldn't guess, i am writing this post tooooootal stream-o-consciousness style. but the point is this: it's the eve of a new fucking year, people!!!!! and i, to be honest, have been thinking a great deal about putting this old girl out to pasture, or out to stud, which would probably be more fun for her, my blog that is. this is for two reasons, each one better than the last, actually!!!! so although i have much to speak about i will restrict myself (and possibly this post) to elaborating on these two reasons. BECAUSE I AM IN CONTROL OF THIS BLOG. BLOG DICTATORSHIP. OHH YEAH.

okay, wait, there's three reasons.


REASON ONE: i have a fabulous idea for a new blog that i've had for like, two years now. (no foolin.) it is not a personal idea, it is an nyc sort of idea. and i want to focus on that, and more reporterage kind of writing instead of all of this waahh waahhh me kind of stuff. this is what i pay my therapist for. so i think i am finally going to launch that soon. i'm really excited about it!!! so yeah. get excited, i guess.

REASON TWO: i enjoy maintaining this blog OH SHIT I JUST REMEMBERED:

I AM GOING TO SEE THE FUCKING PRESETS IN APRIL! ROCK. OH AND PS I DO LISTEN TO LOTS OF OTHER MUSIC BESIDES THEM, THEY'RE JUST #1 IN GETTING ME WORKED UP, FOLLOWED BY THE JUNIOR BOYS AND KELLEY POLAR. (you know, fyi. or, we could say fyfi, or for your fucking information.) [goodness, what's gotten into me? oh wait, iiiiii remember.] okay, right.... i enjoy maintaining this blog to keep in touch with some dear friends who live far, far away, etc.... but other people who read my blog.... well.... i hate using my blog as a passive-agressive form of venting, and hoping that the people in question may recognize themselves... or something. FEARLESS SPEECH, PEOPLE. no more back-door shenanegans. (well, some back-door shenanegans, heh)but i want to be better about actually talking to people. so you know, let's talk on the phone, or text, or email, but to each other directly. NO MORE OBLIQUENESS. or, as little as possible, because let's face it, i'll always love the oblique. THIS KINDA SORTA BRINGS ME TO MY THIRD REASON:

kelley polar.

ha ha, no.... really....

REASON THREE: and fuck, i told myself i had until seven to write this entry, and here it is, 7:06 PM so i'll be brief.... i don't want to play in the wound anymore. DO YOU HEAR THAT SHIT, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!?!?! i mean, i will always be the kind of person who plays in the wound, i mean shit, NO DOUBT, you can set your clocks to that and put it up there with death and taxes but.... i've scabbed. THIS FUCKING WOUND HAS NEARLY HEALED! of course it will leave a scar but i love scars, for many literal and metaphorical reasons. i mean, i hate to be brief but i have to so, i mean, can you believe, i have thought this bunch lately, that i really, in actuality, have NOTHING TO BE DEPRESSED ABOUT?! and have been struck by it enough recently that it is like not even a big, existential tearful moment anymore and is instead more like a cozy, sexy bathrobe-of-a-moment now? i mean, not that everything is all roses and cream, but here's the rub, now *I!!!!* am roses and cream so i can be roses and cream about other shit. my life, really, i have never been so excited about my life in all of my life, never lived my dreams as much as i am right now in all of my life.... and NEVER SPOKEN SO CONSISTENTLY FEARLESSLY IN ALL OF MY LIFE!!!! let me reiterate: i have a) not just started seeing someone b) somehow fixed everything bad about my life or c) had a full frontal lobotomy.

but here i am, JUST BEING HAPPY. ABOUT MYSELF. ABOUT LIFE. ABOUT HOPE, AND LOVE. AND I BELIEVE IN THINGS. so fuck all of your fucking jargonistic shit about metaphysics, etc, (AND I CURSE ALL OF THAT WITH LOVE, FRIENDS, LOVE AND A BROKEN BOTTLE FOR A GOOD BARFIGHT.) i will say it again: I BELIEVE IN LOVE. I BELIEVE IN PLEASURE, IN SUBJECTIVITY, IN PHILOSOPHY AS THERAPY, IN CHANGING THE PAST, IN REMEMBERING, REPEATING AND WORKING THROUGH, I BELIEVE IN SYNTH POP AND FLUFFY CATS AND DESIRE. AND SUGARY SWEETS, AND HOLLANDAISE SAUCE, AND TREES AND CLOUDS AND FEATHERS.

I BELIEVE THAT SOMEHOW EVERYONE IS LOVEABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(what this all means, however, i am going to enjoy an entire lifetime, and hopefully writing several books on, figuring it all out. really. i look forward to deciphering the hell out of this shit.)

AND I WISH YOU ALL LUCK IN YOUR OWN JOURNEY. LUCK, AND COURAGE AND LOVE.

peace, y'all. i'm out. i love you.


i love you.

(this last one was said to me, but i'm letting it permeate me before heading it on out to you....)